He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. This was more the province of all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument. He is not playing Logick Master, he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. A common problem is people trying to push people to ignore their new physical limitations and overexert themselves, and this is really dangerous. A Redditor has been slammed online for trying to dictate to their sister's boyfriend how they should eat their dinner. Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Stating your boundaries might just bring his own discomfort into the open. Run. Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. So now I absolutely have all these weird shame issues around food, which is probably why I could barely eat around my various romantic partners for yearsits just a crappy thing to do to anyone. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! But if he does choose to be a relationship with you, he IS obligated not to be a condescending asshole about it. You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. Bottom line is the conversation . Soup kitchens. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. This! I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. For example, depression is very tiring in itself. Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! I dont know if that makes sense? Any way you do it, its all good. Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? You Police Their Food Or Body. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. You know that cartoon with godzilla and the hornets and the nope-ing retreat back to the sea. Those things are part of who we are, and we accept that in each other. Too many arguments lead up to less making an effort. And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. Low self-esteem. And if hes not interested in investigating ways to help you were back to Case A: Raging Arsehole. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. Despite all this he was in many ways not a bad guy. And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. Dear Carolyn: Although we've had sex before, my boyfriend of two years has zero interest in sex with me or anyone else. If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. I want to make him happy It's not about him, it's about you. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? He ate it for lunch (everyday!) Nothing is good enough. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. Its a very belittling thing to say. It epitomizes an important, or even THE important element of a relationship. This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. If so, should I remind you in the morning? My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. I have one word for you, LW. You are worth loving for who you are, and you are worth loving the way you want to be loved. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. Ding! I dont know, maybe your boyfriend got out of a bad slump by getting really into exercise and tidying up his home, and hes being obnoxious about it because hes become the Helper. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Him: You havent been to the gym today! So in order to save your relationship, you need to find out what is going on and take corrective action if necessary. Also a lot of people staying in abusive marriages because leaving wasnt an option. Not. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. But as things progressed, he developed this habit of picking me up and driving me someplace without telling me where we were going, because it was a surprise. 19 times out of 20, it would be one of the handful of places we always went, but that 1 time in 20, it would be something special. The only trouble is, he was far more of a night owl than me, so these special events werent always to my taste and would keep me up hours later than I was comfortable with. He doesnt seem to be enjoying himself around you anymore now. If you own the decision yourself, he cant position himself as one of two potential bosses of you (the other being your therapist), because youre making it clear that YOU are the boss of you. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. Comfort from a relationship is something you are allowed to want. Yeah, my dad did things like that to me as a kid and it was bad. It can be hard to stop caring, even when someone has done nothing but bring you down. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! Which did he pick, if you dont mind the question? Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. Seriously. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. At first eagerly, because I was curious. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. THIS. Stop. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! Respect is really important in relationships. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. That can be so helpful. I think this is great advice. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. You might think about trying an extended period of being away from each other, if such a thing is remotely possible. And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. My partner had to learn to adjust to a massive change in our relationship and in me. Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. You are more important than he is. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. This is why I only see him in person on a time limited basis and call him on the phone and have been known to hang up on him when he does this kind of policing. OP: it may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household. You know who I turn that on? for forward and backward evolution. You will never be trying hard enough/doing enough, because it is not about you. "I . What do I do? Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. If you're not ready, he needs to chill or go find some other hole to fill. A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. His comfort may depend on your discomfort and misery. People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. Nows a good time to reflect on what each one has done throughout their entire relationship. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. After it was removed, it was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor and the surgery. 5 Be Friendly Some exes are best handled by treating them in a friendly manner. You cant change other people, and any coaching or motivating has to be accomplished with the full participation and consent of the coached. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. My therapist and I called this Shoulding all over me. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. Yo! Finally I flat out refused. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. When I left my abusive family? I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. Discussing how the medications and counseling actually work in the context of the disease helped him understand that I was doing what I needed to do and gave him some appropriate ways to offer assistance. And I have never regretted that decision even once. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. For me, life is better without him. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! This has gotten him in trouble a few times. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. Thank you. Now! I cant leave my house very much. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. He wants LW to do these things so he doesnt have to deal with depressed LW (he thinks). He has completely stopped doing anything and we don't ever go out and if we do, he has to be forced basically. Yes, seconded. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck.. LW, you describe your partner as angry, and the type of anger is such that you qualify it as he never lashes out. My biggest mistakes have been to really harp on what I think he needs to do get out and be social, mainly, which doesnt help his depression and leads to resentment as well. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. Flee! But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. Best weekend alone ever! As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. And Ive gotten better about listening. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. Theres a degree to which each partner does handle their own issues, but also an extent to which partners work together to help each other. His only motivation to change is to stop you. And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. Stop trying to control your partner. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. Up until that point, I was always going to fail because a part of me didnt really want to quit. They are tools that we need to use precisely because we always have our biases clouding our judgment, and they help us cut through those to get to the essential facts. Even from a 5-year-old thats pretty immature. He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. Thank you. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. That creates tremendous pressure on you and just makes you feel shitty about yourself. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Seriously. , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . That was threatening to him. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. okay you have got a lot of permission to dump comments here and I dont want to dismiss what other people read in your letter but offer another perspective. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? Flags everywhere! The goalposts will keep moving. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. The world outside of math isnt like that. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. I think thats a great suggestion. I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. Run. Basically, we are asking each other for the kind of support they want, not necessarily what we ourselves naturally would do. He never mansplains, but he longsplains. He just doesn't feel the need (we used to have sex often, before the . When men care about a woman, they want to look good and impress her. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) Like, does he have any evidence on which to base this idea that you actually can change people? Hello, me from the past! I could write something very similar, except were only at 20 years. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. And he could never admit that it was all about him. So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. You might ask the following questions: Why did . He also once painted a portrait of Hitler, which has got to be one of the worlds most dubious claims to fame! When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. When the passion is gone in a relationship it means the good stuff thats supposed to fuel you through the bad stuff is no longer there, meaning, theres simply no point in pretending I care if the girl has wacky opinions about something. I mean, its not like the fucking JerkBrain wasnt already screaming at me about what a pathetic, useless fuckup I was, so having a physical JerkBrain Enforcement Squad really helped me!!!! 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