: r/aspergers; 7 7.Why . Is there any hope he might decide we should be together again. Everyone remarks how he never spoke to anyone but me, and nobody at work liked him at all (people thought he was weird, awkward, anti social, rude, cold, etc). If that makes sense. This has happened in the past and I have been understanding and asked only that he be 100% transparent with me in the future if it happened again. I know that is an extremely emotional and difficult situation. If he is unwilling to work on developing more interpersonal skills, you will always feel alone. I cant even begin to express how hard its been. Many couples have learned how to cope with these situations by creating their own personal rules for engagement. Our resentment towards each other is extreme and I find having any hope very difficult. She expressed to us (before this happened) that if we really knew her we wouldnt love her. They even take their friendship beyond the office and talk about the bike rides they went on or the other activities they did together. I felt accepted. Lets take a look at that word, with for a moment. At the back of my mind is the gnawing feeling of what if he isnt on the spectrum and is just being an uncaring selfish asshole? He never offered me any attention such as sex, affection or took any real interest in me. I was thinking that if Im going to try and support him, I need to have some assurance that he wants to take our relationship seriously! You have to carve out a life regardless of whether or not your husband recognizes the problems. She has cut off our entire family. I find it so surprising yet because he has done it before I know it may not be the end. Yes, its true that they give up very easily and run, when we would hang in there and work it through. The focus was much deeper than on the superficial. He also added that we would just make the best of it by pretending to be married because he didnt want to disappoint his family. Please can someone help Id really appreciate any advice with no judgement as I feel incredibly isolated. How likely is this to skip generations??? Do they actually change? It was good to understand it in an intellectual way, but still a year later my feelings don't follow reason. However, I also hope you wait to get some response. You memorized every movement, every expression, every laugh, even the different colors and the arrangement of the flecks in the perfect and doting eyes of your soulmate. This person had been abused, overlooked, mistreated, and devalued. AND IT FEELS GREAT! It is not enough for him to want to give me any of his time. In a rare reply to my texts last week he said he needs to be left alone to regain his sanity. So I think the answer is yes, but it'll take time and patience on your part. With age I can tell you it gets worse every single day. 1. When an autistic man falls in love? I have gotten to know a girl with Autism but what would be called Aspergers a couple of years ago. Wow. This is one of the biggest reasons. There have been a few things like him still being on dating sites and sexual messages with an ex-work colleague but we have talked through and I have forgiven him. Usually we listen on the radio (NPR) and I had thought (wrongly, it turned out) that he knew one function of the radio was to prevent distracting conversation. I'm willing to take baby steps to restore the relationship, but if he isn't going to budge or even talk about how he feels, then it seems pointless. Your partner asked you questions youve never been asked, caused you to explore parts and depths of yourself youd never before explored. Ive had this conversation with him many times. The whole 3 years he was sexting other people whilst pretending to be a girl and when i found out he told me he loved me and wont do it again and that it was his only outlet because no one knows he is bi. I tried to reach out and talk about what happened, our feelings and he shut me down saying it has no sense to talk about that and that all has already been said. Our website has recordings of past teleconferences. I had been putting up with so much crap all day, and he said a few choice words, and I just lost control of my temper and let him have it, calling him miserable, a dark cloud, his whole family miserable (true; his dad is a delusional narcissist), noting how he couldnt deal with our ASD kiddo & fomented his meltdowns. It exhausts you. I feel helpless and hopeless and so frustrated wanting to give him respectful space and yet wanting so much to talk to him and try to convince him otherwise. We ..us NT,s as they call us.worry about saying the wrong thing in case a meltdown occurs where they go silent or disappear. She closed off all communication about six months ago, but I'm still in an absolute turmoil of guilt, regret, loss and self hatred. I feel devasted .we have overcome so much , and he just lets it all go. Dealing with the same. She told me she was going to pull away. Please take care. Just to take some of the pressure off him and telling him to take all the time and space he needs while assuring him that I was calm and here for him when he is ready. You might want to be careful with this. Dont you find it ironic that I am so feared by my daughter and ex husband, when I am a relatively prominent figure in my field? That was okay for awhile, but hard to sustain long term. It's been weeks. And often in online support groups of women only, I cant relate to topics such as physical abuse or outraged/angry approaches. We met in college and were smitten. He is an extraordinarily private person and compliments make him really uncomfortable especially about his numerous achievements. Ive never been so happy to come across this page. I need him to be evaluated desperately indeed before I lose my sanity. We have four kids, 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom was diagnosed ASD several years ago. He doesnt message or call. I was a nervous mess. ) Hello. I love him anyway. used P.O. We would come back home and he was wasted ordering excessive junk food and eating it all while watching TV (i watched in disgust), not even noticing if I existed and constantly falling asleep on the couch. I could tell from her persistent texts, calls, and voicemails that she was upset and had a hard time moving on, but I felt more relieved every day. I soon found we didnt have anything to talk about. It makes me feel Ive not done enough to deserve being loved. I think my husband is an un-diagnosed Aspy. One minute they love you and you are EverythingNext you are discarded like last nights chip papers We went through a serious disagreement about her choice of partners. He went through all of our savings had a meltdown that lasted for 12 months and then wanted to come home. No topics were off limits in our conversations. It all makes sense now. Once you take the course, you can join our online community. I am sending up a prayer to all of you on this blog. Now he says I abandoned him and Im an abuser. I need some advice. he always thinks of others and never forgets my birth day. Yes our group is international and includes video conferences, teleconferences, message boards. Many of us make excellent eye contact, at least some of the time-often because we have learned this is an expected behavior. By detaching oneself from an expectation that cannot be fulfilled, we are free to live with what we really have. I dont know what to do. Please take care of yourself. He demanded me to leave his room, I did nt, he leant over me and screamed in my face to get out. others or their feelings are of no interest to them . A life of not udnerstanding teaches you strategies to appear to understand, simply to make life easier. I started feeling like a puzzle piece that anyone could fill if they were OK with parallel play and doing what he wants to do all weekend. What do you do when its your child that does this? He is very high functioning. But for Autists its out of sight, out of mind. Now of course it is like we lost her completely. But the conversation may be aborted yet again by a meltdown. He doesnt read and is undereducated. I of course begged, pleated and apologized because of my abandonment issues to no avail. We are in a long distance relationship for 1,5 years. A fascinating topic as I'm an (undiagnosed) aspie male in my late 40s and recently had a very intense relationship, culminating with me 'going cold' and ruining everything in a single evening. he always helps n Aspies are constantly suffering but NTs expect us to pretend everything is fine so they feel comfortable in their fake contrived mindless materialistic world. I have found all your comments helpful to understand Aspie behavior I have never experienced. However, when the Aspie chooses to shut down, cut off, shun and even get passive aggressive, this has the result of making us feel abused, oppressed, and worthless. I've had this happen to me, and it's quite devastating. He has said that he wants to have children with me but then has also been on dating sites. I thought I was going crazy. I knew deep down he loved me, I loved him but I could not keep subjecting myself to the pain and rejection. When things started getting real or life too stressful.. Its all so sad, All your stories. I went through a lot of silent treatments and neglect but whats worse is that he cheated on me. Not everyone in a NeuroDivergent relationship experiences this level of narcissistic abuse, however. Did he really never love me? Hope you are well whatever happened. Two days later he ended up in the hospital with a Crohn's disease flare up due to stress. This sounds exactly like my lunatic ex.. except he was very arrogant. Its as if they just dont get that other people matter. People on the Autism Spectrum have a difficult time maintaining a relationship because they just dont think about you when you are not around. I asked if her boyfriend was going to be there. I suspect it will go on longer. His mental state is his business and it isnt about you and nobody is entitled to insights into his mental state etc. To try and understand him better. In your formative years, you do very little time management and it's usually your parents who set alarms and cajole you out of bed, harass you into getting dressed, slog through the breakfast routine, push you into the car and drop you off at school. I have tried to Express my feelings to him and he shut me down saying he doesnt want to hear it. Bc in a way what my mom did was right but what she caused was just to get me to herself which shes done so many times in the past. In the beginning things were amazing. It's not easy being an aspie in an NT world. Wow. Well discuss: How to recognize the abuse. He has a strong distrust of therapy because when I mentioned I might start going to counseling to address my anxiety, he rubbished the idea. Have you been able to write part II yet? And once for a larger amount and he to go away for 18 months. She has blocked me from every conceivable method of contact and is fully supported in this effort by my ex husband, Howard (also autistic). But then he withdrew sex and affection saying he felt off. So you guessed it. I sent her this nice, funny, text on Saturday night telling her to have an amazing time. He would stay up late and I woke up to bring him to bed and as soon as I started cuddling with him he breaks it off to me " I don't thinks this is working any more" I thought he was joking! disregard for the feelings of others . . He told me from the initial beginning of our relationship that he has Aspergers syndrome. Been with my husband for 12! This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. I am struggling to the point of losing my mind and my health and my aspie husband is of no help. Thats what the next Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD video conference is about. But since he got a new job and everything start messy up. How can a positive diagnosis of Asperger's help an News: Stunning Examples of Autistic Child Abuse. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". You are generous to give so much time. I wish desperately he would wake up and smell the madness, and do something about it. If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. I think its either because they had one parent not on the spectrum or parents who did not teach by example these behaviors and held them to higher standards. Totally selfish behavior that only revolves around his needs. Get a cat or dog if you want someone to truly love you and be pleased to see youseriously. Things started to get worse once we moved in together, him needing to have alone time most of the time, calling me needy because I needed so much attention, while I was just expecting regular things like sitting together at the table for dinner or having small talk after work. I could go on and on but why!!?? You'll feel better too, it just takes some time. I am so sorry that you are going through this Sarah. Im also an actress and he wanted to see all my work. Since then I have been trying to talk to him again and again. I hear ya sister! He also has a male church group I found for him, and he likes it, but its more a bunch of guys eating the snack of the day and BS ing instead of The Word. I supported him throughout. I am now at the end of a very long aspie relationship. Howard has a chain and padlock on his front gate. How does autism affect intimacy? I decided not to tell anyone about my marriage and I learned to pretend. I know that a lot of us, including me, struggle with social interactions, like understanding others because of the innuendoes and the unspoken for example, but also being understood by others and to behave in a way . I don't expect him to provide for me or anything like that, I have always been good with money so I have a lot saved up for when I go back to school, but he spends every cent on video games and nonsense. His sister told me not him and then he ended up in the psychiatric ward. Required fields are marked *. Im an unpaid volunteer. Aspies dont ask themselves about how you feel about things, so we need to point it out in a way they will understand. I decided that HE was the one losing out because I had so much love to give. Take care. Apparently I failed the tests. Now Im not sure were even in the same book. That day has come, sad as it is but Im loosing myself and getting nothing back!! It's so sad and hard to give up this wonderful person. Why do you always ask how I feel? 6. What is hard to understand is we have good times. He has kind of ghosted me. It was during that process we realized that my husband is ASD, likely Aspergers. You have to have no feelings to survive this. I'm sure a few of those potential friends wondered what happened when they didn't get asked back after I'd been to their homes, even though I clearly liked them. Not sure what you said is ASD. Its insanity to me. Dear Renee. My (suspected) highly functioning autistic child is 2.5 months into giving us the silent treatment after we took away his computer access given the gaming addiction he developed and we had been dealing with for 2+ years. RUN..RUNRUN..Save yourselves x. I am so sorry you are hurting Lucy. The first few months of this year he went out of his way to hang out with me. Can you explain to us how this thinking isnt inherently self-centered, lacks maturity and reciprocity and, well, is NOT narcissistic? People split up he says like its nothing . In part 2 of this series, differences in NT-ND identities as they apply to relationships are explored. A couple of months ago I met a wonderful woman at work. He has never contacted me again since when he left two and a half years ago. Your Needs. I connected the dots a couple of years into our relationship. However my old wounds from my mother and so fearful it would end I definitely think I sabotaged that relationship or he was just a charmer but the point being that when my husband was in jail I was bombarded with letters, calls. Same happened to me. Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? Life with Aspergers: Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? My partner/ex partner (depending on he feels) has Aspergers difficulties and finds it hard to cope in his daily life. But wont face the point of the argument. I finally asked if he wasnt attracted to me and he said it isnt me. 14 years later he contacted me that we had unfinished business. Associated conditions, such as a sleep disorder or ADHD, can make driving challenging, too. 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